Author Archive

Letters to Everyone

Dear Everyone,

I see monsters in front my house

I see monsters in front of my face

I want to make them go away

No I want them to stay.

Good Morning



Two men walk into a bar. One of them orders the drinks, while the other examines an old fashioned jukebox in the corner. After some careful consideration, he punches the glass on the jukebox and breaks it. Then he calmly walks away. The other man gets the drinks and has a sip, then throws the glass to the floor, also breaking it.

The two spot a window, and so after some planning (of which we will not go through), they break it. The bartender starts getting confused and asks them why they’re breaking all the glass in the bar. The first man takes a deep breath, and calmly says: What?


The soul is a dark place. Even as a nonbeliever, I still think that it exists and it is in fact a very important entity in our body. It may be called logic or heart or brain or mind, no matter how contradictory anything else. My point is that nonsense is our soul. I’m going to tell you the reason why pretty soon.


But for now:

Two boys went to the candy store to buy a chocolate. The cashier took pity of the poor girl walking down the street and told the boys to go share their chocolate with the girl. Being very kind boys they agreed to this without hesitation. When they went outside, the girl started screaming and screaming. The boys tried to calm her down but she wouldn’t stop screaming. They looked back at the cashier for help but the cashier wasn’t there. The shop was gone. The street was gone. The girl was gone. Her scream was the only companion the boys had in the world. The younger boy started crying. The older boy pushed him gently and he fell into the pit. All alone in this pit the younger boy lived forever. The scream was still with him.

A Mouse, A Horse, An Elephant

This is the story of a mouse, a horse, and an elephant. The elephant says to the horse: Oh how I wish I could find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The horse says: Well we don’t have anything tomorrow. And so the next day they went to search for the rainbow so that the elephant could find the pot of gold. But the rainbow was not to be found. The horse decided that the only way to find a rainbow was to go ask the great wizard for help. The great wizard was on vacation in The Orange Land.

Quite nice the Orange Land actually so many parrots, and beaches, and suns; sort of like a tropical island but with four suns. Nice eh?

Five Minutes

I’ve got five minutes to write something. This should be interesting? Have I ever told you the story of when I went to Paris and met my best friend. Well, almost. I did go to Paris. My best friend was, and still is actually, imaginary. You see imaginary friends do all the right things at all the right times. Well that’s not true…they mess up quite badly sometimes. But only because you want them to!

I like my imaginary friend, we go down the rabbit hole together! Sometimes we fly dragons and other times we just do nothing. So many things you can write in five minutes.

Ummm. OH! I know! I’ll tell you how I came to know what went on in the rabbit’s mind. It weird mind, you have to go through many hurdles to get to it but it is worth it. I’m still half way but I’m already feeling better. Oh so you say that I still don’t know what goes on inside the rabbit’s mind! Well you’re right! But it’s fun to write about things which make no sense. It’s what I’m all about man.

The Drink

I went to the pub the other night. It was all going well until this lady with the ugliest face ever comes up to me and asks to buy me a drink. Being the gentleman I am, I accepted the offer, drank the offering quickly and escaped by way of the┬áback door. As I exited the pub, I notice a hole in the ground…except that it’s not really a hole, more of a mountain, and by mountain I mean it was that lady from the pub.

This lady was a succubus. She turned into a demon and bit my face off. Still, I’ve always been a fan of change and now my face is ever so soft and sensitive. Too bad it’s six feet under. No problem. Problems are for live people. I like it when I’m offered a drink though. So many nice people live above the ground, not so much under. Anyway. Goodbye. Have a nice day.


I went into a village once. They sold drums made from human skin. I later found out that this was a village filled with cannibals. Funny story actually; I went to buy this human skin drum and asked how it cost. I expected to receive a price but all I got was hit with a bat on the head. Apparently I had ‘fine’ skin which would make ‘fine’ drums.

As you would’ve imagined I protested this motion but as with any other country I’d been in, my voice was that of the minority, was hardly heard, and I was taken to the drum making barn.

Moral behind the story? Always makes sure that you go for the factory produced drums. Homemade may sound better, but you might be boiled alive purchasing your musical instrument.

How am I still alive after all this you ask? Quite simple. I’m dead. Have been dead for quite a while and will remain dead for a long period of time. Irrelevant. I’m off.